Insert Catchy Name Here

Canada so far:
Every morning I lace up my ice skates, pick up the twig and head down the road for a brisk game of hockey with the boys. It gets pretty cold sometimes (about -11 degrees Celsius) but a solid match warms you right up.

After that, I pack up my things and head down to main street to watch the moose cross. Then, I stop by Tim Horton's for the daily pint of maple syrup that is required by law. After a quick sled down oak street hill, I arrive at work where we get a breakfast of eggs, bacon, ham, and our second pint of maple syrup of the day.

Then I'm at work for the next 8 hours. For lunch we usually have bacon, poutine, salmon, or beavertails as well as our next two pints of maple syrup of the day. Sometimes we get hot chocolate if it gets cold enough inside the igloo. The last 2 hours of work, my coworkers and I apologize to each other for pretty much everything.

After work I have to stop at Tim Horton's once more for 2 more pints of maple syrup in order to meet the daily maple syrup intake so I don't get sent back to the states. I once broke 3 ribs on the way home from work because I didn't look both ways and got trample by a moose. It was fine though since we have free health care. This happened about 4 times now.

Finally, I retire into my igloo where I boot up the router, open up my laptop, and relax watching TSN Hockey. The nights can get pretty cold but my bear skin coat and blanket keeps me plenty warm.

Ok I kinda lied about that, I dont have cable internet in the igloo. Dial up is the best we can get out here. Sorry aboot that one. No hard feelings eh?

That was pretty good, though you missed a few things:

1) -11 Celsius is not cold by Canadian standards: most don't even flinch until -20.

2) Igloos contain heat insanely well unless they're leaky (a candle can pretty much heat up an igloo to 20+ Celsius by itself). If you're igloo is leaking, make sure to file a complaint with your landlord.

3) You live in Montreal, one of approximately five places that get a decent ISP in Canada.

Also relevant:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPX3lEIS4bo

Hec, Remember he is American.